For the film itself I will say this, the pared back design is nonetheless effective and arresting, the episodic storytelling is so non-stop and manic it's impossible to get bored with the on-screen action, and the music is deliciously whimsical, adding to the general air of ebullience, romance and playfulness that underpins this feature length anime.
The only critique I could level at this film is the rather superficial nature of the characters and narrative; there are no great psychological insights into anyone on screen and the story is more or less frivolous - despite the rapidity and convolution of it's twists and turns.
Now, don't read past this point unless you want a window into my harried psyche and existential frustrations, when my mind refuses to shut the fuck up at 1.30am Australian time during a working week. This is not for my Letterboxd friends, this is simply for me. However, Those with morbid curiosity may proceed.
A large part of why this film captured me (Even if I suspect I diluted a great deal of its impact by breaking it up into piecemeal viewings in between my ever demanding ESL work) is that the graceful, sweet exuberant lead character, Otome, reminded me of a female Chinese friend of mine who I've more or less fallen head over heels in love with over the past week.
Objectively plain, a tad scattered and ditzy, and possessing qualities that would often make her a pain in the arse as a girlfriend (For example, giving her boyfriend the silent treatment for two days or more as punishment for forgetting something she mentioned to him - even though she herself often suffers from lapses of memory), to me, presently, she is the most beautiful person on earth.
Every time I am with her her soul speaks to me. The unfettered joyfulness of her Life Path 3 spirit stretches out from her and suffuses me in a warm aura of hope and wonder. She is surprising, spontaneous, unexpected and almost completely fearless in her attitude towards life and people. She will approach anyone to ask a question (And in fact her friends often prompt her to when they're feeling reluctant) and find out something new about the world. She will impulsively leap into the splits at the Botanical Gardens, heedless of anyone watching or the fear of duck shit muddying her pants. She will join me in St. Kilda, even though we'd already cancelled the event due to bad weather, because quote "the sun had come out in the CBD!" I've never been happier to stand in such charged (for me at least) close proximity to another human being, sheltering beneath an umbrella as rain pelted the face of iconic Luna Park's clown face entry, wishing wildly I could draw her closer to me but not daring to ruin so rewarding a friendship. Due to her charmed life and luck, the rain stopped, affording us a long walk north along the beach, where I got to find out more about her life and how her mind works. Despite several hours of conversation, she still remains largely a mystery to me, both simple, straightforward and yet somehow unknowable. The truth of her lies in her spirit, not necessarily in her words.
Alas, she has a long term boyfriend back in China, and although uncertainty lies in whether they will remain together (His family is pushing for an American visa) P is a dedicated girl, a good soul (And a steadfast Year of the Ox person), and I doubt she would betray his trust for me. Even though at this point, moving into my forties, I no longer suffer from such illusions of "honour" providing rewards or solace in the never-ending drudgery of creation. It is not honour but a fear of losing her forever that prevents me from telling her my feelings. And I would have to hit this girl over the head with a brick to get the level of my passions across. I even dared to brush hair away from her face, to openly tell her I'd always found her "cute and beautiful"; both of which she either ignored or dismissed the real significance of.
In John Cleese and Robyn Skinner's book, "Life and How to Survive It", the two men go into how most "average relationships" work. Generally, people fall in love with each other because they see qualities in the other person that they themselves lack. In P, it is the exuberance and happiness of her soul that I desire and lack within myself. For P...at present she probably just thinks I'm funny, a nice person to talk to and learn new English words from.
But basically, like the Vietnamese Life Path 3 woman I mentioned moons ago, I feel more alive and more connected to life when I'm around P. I feel closer to the long distant memory of happiness and hope I used to experience before I hit my twenties. She just feels good to have near you.
What I want is to have her lean back into my body as we lie together on my couch, watching The Shape of Water (Which I was impressed she suggested we watch when with a fellow friend) or Wall-E, holding her snugly into me while lightly kissing her neck. I want to tell her:
"I have fallen in love with you, P. I have fallen in love with the energy of your spirit and the kindness of your soul. Every moment I am with you - though I am filled with frustration and pain at not being able to claim you - I want nothing more than to cherish you, and surround you with love till the end of our days, or for however long we are meant to be together. I want to explore life with you and share the wold's experiences with you; because without the ability to share these things with you, they are merely grey and tuneless distractions in the every growing cacophony of existence. But when I can share them with you, when I can see them reflected in your eyes, they come alive with a vibrancy I can barely express without breaking up. I want to share everything with you. All the best parts of me, my hopes, my happiness and dreams, I wish to gift to you, because I only want the best for you, in all things. I want to love and protect you and let you cry and share your feelings with me. And when I need to break I want to break in your arms. I love the tenacity and mischief of your beautiful spirit and I want nothing more on this earth than to claim you and love you, utterly and completely and without apologies."
What of course I will end up doing is saying goodbye without ceremony via text message or during a friendly catch-up. She leaves for China next week, will be gone for the entire month of July and by the time she returns in August some development between her and her boyfriend will have ultimately sealed her fate, and I will most likely have moved to a different part of Melbourne or accepted (with resignation) a move to do ESL work in Thailand - due to Melbourne's ridiculous rental market. That is the dull reality of existence for me, the Year of the Dog person whose fate is always to make sacrifices for others, while my own heart and talents remain undeveloped. Fuck the Chinese zodiac, man.
I am unconcerned with P finding this message. There is no chance she's a Letterboxd user and the likelihood of any of MY LB contacts having a direct (or even passing) relationship with her are slim to none. I merely write this to expunge myself of my feelings, to provide some record of my ever thwarted love life to then wryly or bitterly smile at some months or years down the track - laughing at how I used to feel, how my feelings have changed (once again) or ruminating on how it all went sour.
But presently P is one of the healthier relationships I have in my life, and I have to work hard not to sabotage a good friendship with my need and desire. I fear I will self destruct something beautiful and I really don't want to. But it's hard when your heart aches for a meaningful connection and someone wonderful is standing right in front you.
They say love is meant to be patient and kind, but I truly wonder now whether I'll ever find a P who is free to share their life with me.
